


Secrets

by WatchforWitches



Series: Whumptober 2019 [19]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-08 08:16:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21232667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WatchforWitches/pseuds/WatchforWitches
Summary: Alec was the head of the institute, he was supposed to  be better than this. He was supposed to be in control.OrAlec has a rough night and his exhaustion fueled mind carries him to Magnus.





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Please note that this fic deals with self harm!! It is canon compliant in it's presentation but please note that if this is a trigger for you do not read! 
> 
> This was written for Whumptober, under the prompt secret injury.

Alec was supposed to be better than this. He was supposed to be the head of this institute. He shouldn't be making mistakes as stupid as mixed up paper work. It's just that he had been awake the entire night beforehand on mission and then writing incident files for the shadowhunters that had been injured. Another failure, he should have had faster reflexes, been quicker to the demon nest to help.

People had doubted his ability as a leader from the very beginning. Like he had said to Jace, he's dating a guy whose a downworlder, people were not happy that he had taken control. He was usually able to block their critisms and ignore the words and stares that happened behind his back. He knew what he was doing, he was good at his job.

But right now he felt like he couldn't breath. The Clave members he sent the documents to sent them back immediately with several changes that they needed by the next day, and Alec's head was swimming with negative thoughts. He wasn't good enough, he was messing everything up, he was ruining the institute.

It was the same thoughts that sent him out of his office and through the institute- thankfully shadowed by the late hour- and into the training room. He blindly grabbed a bow and slung a sheath full of arrows across his back. There was a restlessness running all through him, he needed to channel his thoughts into something he could do, needed to _stop_ thinking.

The bow helped, he fired all the arrows into three various targets, but it wasn't enough. Alec had gotten so good at archery he could fire an arrow and hit his target without so much as a blink of the eye. He needed something more physically demanding, needed _more_.

He found a leather punching bag and hung it up, laying into it immediately. His bow hand stung slightly from the hard curve of his fist, the surface burn from the arrow leaving its mark. He ignored this, throwing punch after punch, using his whole body behind the weight of his punches. The exhaustion he had craved came, he wasn't sure how long it had taken, enough time that most of his knuckles were busted. The red was stark against his skin, the blood had dried and caked in the grooves of his fingers.

The sun was starting to come up, so Alec cleaned the punching bag down with a rag, gathered the arrows he fired, and left the training room as he had found it. He didn't bother with any iratzes, his knuckles burned in a way that focused his attention. His mind was blank, and he wanted to sleep. He thought of going back to his room, napping for a hour or two tops and getting to his paperwork. Then he thought of Magnus' soft eyes and softer sheets and he was throwing on a hoodie and leaving the institute before he could think better of the decision.

The morning was cold, forcing him to be aware of his hair wet with sweat. He should have showered before he left, but it was too late now. If he was lucky, Magnus would still be asleep when he got to the loft and he could shower quickly before climbing into bed. He activated his speed rune, running the rest of the way to Magnus' building. He was already sweaty, he supposed, it was fine.

He was, of course, not lucky. Magnus was awake, lounging at his kitchen island when Alec walked in through the front door. "Alexander? Is that you?"

Walking around to the other side of the wall, Alec saw Magnus- makeless with bedhead- and smiled weakly. "Hey," he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie quickly.

"You okay?" Magnus asked, taking in Alec's appearance, eyes drifting at Alec's quick hand movements.

"Yeah," he responded, "I was just tired, and I wanted to see you."

Magnus smiles at this, "Well I'm very happy to see you, but how about you go take a nice hot shower and get some rest? Hmm?"

Alec hummed softly, closing his eyes briefly at the idea. "Yeah, sounds good."

He makes quick work in the shower, the running water and soap taking most of the dried blood from his split knuckles. He's careful to pat his hands dry once he's drying off and getting dressed. Its something that confounds him, that he uses hurts like this to ground himself, but then cares for the wounds afterwards. It's always been a cycle, he should be better than this, should be better.

He feels like a corpse dragging himself to bed. He hadn't even bothered to put on clothes, simply slipping into a pair of boxers and crawling beneath the heavy layers of silk and satin. It's nicer than anything he deserves, and he's asleep in minutes.

-

Alec was never as subtle as he hoped to be, but Magnus understands his actions as much as they break his heart. He ignores the red he had seen when Alec shoves his hands into his pockets, he waits dutifully until Alec showers. He means to approach him about it afterwards, but once he enters his bedroom, Alec is already beneath the covers, fast asleep.

_Hey Jace _Magnus texts his loves parabatai, _I'm not sure what tasks Alec needs to get done for today, but do you mind looking after things? Alec's sleeping right now but I don't think he will be able to come in today_.

_Don't have to ask me twice_, Jace texts back almost immediately, _Alec been workin himself into the ground. Needs a day off. Izzy and I have things covered._

_Thank you_. Magnus texts back simply, glad that this at least is easy.

He doesn't suspect telling Alec this news will be. Doesn't suspect much of the rest of the day to be.

Still. He puts his phone down and carefully slips into bed next to a sleeping Alexander. He's so deep in sleep, and Magnus carefully finds one of his hands beneath the covers and brings it close enough to examine. Sadly, his eyes hadn't betrayed him. Alec's knuckles are cracked and raw, skin irritated and red. This had been a long time uphill battle with Alec, he knew, and bad habits were hard to break, much harder than forming. "Oh Alec," Magnus whispers.

Not quietly enough, it would seem, as Alec slowly opens his eyes to see Magnus holding his hand in examination. "Magnus," he slurs, voice drowsy in sleep, until he realizes what's happening and his eyes shoot open. "Magnus, I-"

"It's okay," Magnus tries to calm him, "I just thought I saw- I just wanted to check on you." He swallows before adding, "I texted Jace. He and Izzy are going to take care of things at the institute today, so you can rest."

Magnus thought this would be of some comfort to his distressed love, unfortunately that wasn't the case. Alec began to tremble before tripping over his words, "N-No its okay- I need to go- I need to- I can do it."

Magnus places a firm but comforting hand on Alec's chest. "Alexander, it's alright to take a day off sometimes. Everyone gets overwhelmed."

"I shouldn't," Alec argues, "I should be able to do this job, without making shitty mistakes. Without being so fucked up in the head. I shouldn't have to-"

He's clenching his fists tightly, and Magnus can't help but worry the rough skin will only bleed again. "Hey," he takes ahold of Alec's hands, enveloping them in waves of blue healing magic, "Stop that. Nobody is a machine. Everyone makes human errors, especially under stress and tight deadlines. You aren't a failure okay? It's okay." He brings Alec's knuckles up to his lips, "It's going to be okay."

The magic healing the wounds on his knuckles, the soft assurances, his lips so kind and sure, are the combination that finally breaks the dam. Whatever pretenses of being alright Alec had been preserving come down. He's in Magnus' hold and sobbing into his neck moments later. The sobs shake his whole body, he doesn't even remember the last time he cried, so once he started he felt like he couldn't stop, couldn't breath.

"Shhh," Magnus rubs his back. "It's going to be alright my love. It's going to be okay. You're okay."

Magnus doesn't pretend things are okay right now, but he knows from experience that they will be. With a little time, a lot of love, and a lot of unlearning whatever toxic he grew up hearing. He knows he will be okay, he knows they will talk about coping mechanisms and the danger in self harm, but that will come later. Right now Magnus will hold his boyfriend as he cries and then later as he sleeps, and will cast away the weight of the world for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/Comments/Feedback are all welcome and greatly appreciated! <33


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